benchsketch

(This turned out to be the final version of committing crimes)

THE BEDFORD STEALER

Theft

Stealing Stuff



The Method

It is a well known fact that robbery is the single most effective means to earn money in the modern world, but only if you are able to do it right. THEFT involves the removal of another person's items from their possession and relocation into your own acquisition. If it is done incorrectly there is a ninety-nine percent chance you will be shot, but when done correctly, theft can be an extremely profitable job.

Reasons and Subjects for Theft

Why steal? You may steal for several reasons: if you are bored, if you are poor, if you are lazy, if you want some quick cash, or if your friend refused to share their lunch with you. There are many ways to go about satisfying your need to rectify the injustice of an empty stomach but the most important part of theft is selecting the right subject.

If you are going to be partaking in the great American past time of theft, you are going to want to know the subjects from which you should focus your efforts. Some recommended targets are:

     ·          Small children
     ·         Old Ladies
     ·         Cripples
     ·         People you don't like
     ·         People in hospitals


               These subjects make for a particularly effective MARK – or target – because the chances of them over powering you are slim. Generally when stealing stuff you are going to want to easily overcome the mark so as to avoid unnecessary butt-kickings and make the most gain from a job. For reference, here are a list of inappropriate subjects for theft:

     ·         People with large muscles
     ·         People with dangerous looking scars
     ·         People with large, intimidating weapons
     ·         Old ladies that may be packing heat
     ·         Children that may be packing heat
     ·         People who own flamethrowers (unless you are flame retardant)
     ·         People who own velociraptors (unless you are trying to steal said velociraptor)
     ·         Cripples that may be packing heat


               You can see that the list of restrictions is much longer than the recommendations so you should pursue theft only if you have quick fingers and swift feet. Getting caught by an old lady is embarrassing and potentially painful if she was, indeed, packing heat.

Example of Theft

                The most basic kind of theft is mugging. MUGGING involves the violent redistribution of wealth from one person to another (preferably yourself). Targets for mugging should always be people you don't like since there is a good deal of dirty work involved including a good deal of pistol whipping and shouting in the process. Muggings can involve more than one person – i.e. you can shout at one target while smacking the other with your handgun and vice versa. This process is often called MULTI-TASKING (Chapter 11) and is a great technique if you want to increase your margin of profit exponentially.

Sneaking

                It is generally advisable not to get caught while stealing; in fact getting caught is the exact opposite of what you want to do. Unfortunately, old ladies are not as poor of hearing as you may believe so make sure to walk on tippy-toes (as everybody knows you will make absolutely no sound while on tippy-toes) when maneuvering  around them. If, while casing the house of an old lady, you encounter a velociraptor, be sure to walk on tippy-toes since doing so will also make you completely invisible; this is especially important because there is the significant possibility that the raptor will be packing heat.

Sticky Situations

                Sometimes things won't go your way and you will have to think fast to avoid unfortunate situations. If you incorrectly judged a target and you find yourself face to face with the muzzle of something that strongly resembles a pistol than you have failed as a thief and selected the only old lady in the country who was actually packing heat and have also just put yourself in a situation in which you may be shot in the face. To avoid massive facial reconstructive surgery:

     ·         DO NOT put your face in front of the gun
     ·         DO NOT try to run
     ·         DO run fast if you choose to disregard the above suggestion
     ·         DO NOT ask to be shot in the face (why would you do that anyway? (unless of course you really did want to be shot in the face (but I shouldn't even offer you an "unless" (because I am not supposed to give you such vague suggestions (I don't really know why, some crappy book just told me it's wrong)))))
     ·         Actually I changed my mind… you should probably run.
     ·         When grandma's got the gun, it is time to run.
     ·         DO NOT rhyme under any circumstances.

Checklist For Revising Your Theft Technique

                I apologize. It seems that my checklist has been stolen. So in lieu of a checklist I have composed this extremely helpful and one-hundred percent relevant flow chart to assist you in its place.

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Sometimes, as a people, we are overcome with the desire wreak havoc. When this sensation grips it is important not to panic and it is often beneficial to relieve the stress caused by this conditioned [called 'criminalism'] by going out and committing crimes. When offending the law, it is exceedingly important to bear in mind the dangers and risks of doing so, and equally important to understand which risks must be taken and which should be avoided.

The first order of common criminalism is always the weapons; you must make sure you have many, many weapons that make a lot of loud noises. Loud noises are intimidating and generally 'cool' when staging heists and other activities that require high powered rifles. Weapons that make loud bangs and painfully noisy explosions are particularly effective because they are extremely annoying. When people hear gun shots and C4 explosions they will immediately get frustrated and leave the room, usually screaming and shouting at the top of their lungs (presumably in an effort to create so much noise that you will just go away). The more intelligent will just drop to the ground in an effort to dodge the sound waves.

Selecting the right weapons for your night of villainous behavior is a difficult chore. Some good essentials are high powered rifles, hand guns, attack dogs, hand grenades, friends with knives (I will explain the importance of this later), and a rhinoceros (optional but handy for creating mayhem). Poor choices for weapons are text books, pencils and other office supplies (but staplers are OK), spoons and assorted cutlery (too messy), stuffed bears (stuffed dragons are good, however), and food (unless dealing with hostages allergic to peanut butter). If you can get your hands on a tank, those are very effective at shutting out all that annoying blaring and constant demands from the local police squad. For some reason SWAT teams do not like to approaching men in tanks unless necessary, though, so if you were looking for some light conversation with talented government agents you should leave that particular piece of equipment at home.

Good weapons are under appreciated, such as the Spiderman fishing pole—useful for not only catching chubs in streams, but also for hooking people by the brow and causing extreme irritation. You can see that many things have double uses as both weapon and tool, and should be kept in mind when deciding what to bring in the way of equipment. You remember that rhinoceros that you considered earlier in planning your heist? Well if you brought yours you now have three things in one: a battering ram, a good companion, and a social stimulator (people like to talk to people who have a rhinoceros) and each use may be helpful when vandalizing things. And how can you forget that handy-dandy pocket knife you got from your grandfather? It makes a great paper weight and even better back-scratcher (just as soon as you figure out how to get that stupid little metal bar (the one nobody knows what to do with) out of the groove) even though it has very little value as a weapon.

Having the right weapons is only part of the deal. You have to be sure you have the crew to do the job as well (and they should be equipped according to the above guide). Do you recall the friends with knives I suggested? It is a good idea to give your comrades knives, since knives are shiny and very distracting (people's eyes get very big when staring at knives close to their throats, an obvious distraction), but they are also sharp and so when you are waving them in the air (to catch maximum reflection from the sun and thus blind everyone in the vicinity) it is possible that they will cut you—this is made even more likely by the bazooka you should be carrying in your other hand and other wise hindering your motor operations. Make sure your friends know how to drive tanks, and it would probably be a good idea if one of them was a rhinoceros trainer.

Before committing to a job, be sure to know the target. Understanding the obstacles is the first step to overcoming them, and the most important in discovering your approach. If, for instance, you are planning to break into a house of a man who owns a flame thrower, do not do it. Such plans should be abandoned because, let's face it, getting torched isn't fun unless you are flame retardant. Similarly, trying to rob people who have a pet velociraptor is a very bad idea. Unless, that is, you are planning to steal said velociraptor.

Remember that debauchery is a very enlightening experience, but comes with dangers; be absolutely certain not to challenge anybody with dinosaurs or incendiary weapons. And always make sure you are well equipped to handle a rhinoceros.

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I accidentally submitted this in news as well. Kinda hoping that one gets deleted cuz that is not a good place for it.

Weird. Journal. Not sure what to do with this. Type stuff I guess.

I'm working on a project called eruption. It's neat, using the warp tool to a point of ridicule. I'm making the warps into brushes sometime; so YAY.