Committing Crimes

Sometimes, as a people, we are overcome with the desire wreak havoc. When this sensation grips it is important not to panic and it is often beneficial to relieve the stress caused by this conditioned [called 'criminalism'] by going out and committing crimes. When offending the law, it is exceedingly important to bear in mind the dangers and risks of doing so, and equally important to understand which risks must be taken and which should be avoided.

The first order of common criminalism is always the weapons; you must make sure you have many, many weapons that make a lot of loud noises. Loud noises are intimidating and generally 'cool' when staging heists and other activities that require high powered rifles. Weapons that make loud bangs and painfully noisy explosions are particularly effective because they are extremely annoying. When people hear gun shots and C4 explosions they will immediately get frustrated and leave the room, usually screaming and shouting at the top of their lungs (presumably in an effort to create so much noise that you will just go away). The more intelligent will just drop to the ground in an effort to dodge the sound waves.

Selecting the right weapons for your night of villainous behavior is a difficult chore. Some good essentials are high powered rifles, hand guns, attack dogs, hand grenades, friends with knives (I will explain the importance of this later), and a rhinoceros (optional but handy for creating mayhem). Poor choices for weapons are text books, pencils and other office supplies (but staplers are OK), spoons and assorted cutlery (too messy), stuffed bears (stuffed dragons are good, however), and food (unless dealing with hostages allergic to peanut butter). If you can get your hands on a tank, those are very effective at shutting out all that annoying blaring and constant demands from the local police squad. For some reason SWAT teams do not like to approaching men in tanks unless necessary, though, so if you were looking for some light conversation with talented government agents you should leave that particular piece of equipment at home.

Good weapons are under appreciated, such as the Spiderman fishing pole—useful for not only catching chubs in streams, but also for hooking people by the brow and causing extreme irritation. You can see that many things have double uses as both weapon and tool, and should be kept in mind when deciding what to bring in the way of equipment. You remember that rhinoceros that you considered earlier in planning your heist? Well if you brought yours you now have three things in one: a battering ram, a good companion, and a social stimulator (people like to talk to people who have a rhinoceros) and each use may be helpful when vandalizing things. And how can you forget that handy-dandy pocket knife you got from your grandfather? It makes a great paper weight and even better back-scratcher (just as soon as you figure out how to get that stupid little metal bar (the one nobody knows what to do with) out of the groove) even though it has very little value as a weapon.

Having the right weapons is only part of the deal. You have to be sure you have the crew to do the job as well (and they should be equipped according to the above guide). Do you recall the friends with knives I suggested? It is a good idea to give your comrades knives, since knives are shiny and very distracting (people's eyes get very big when staring at knives close to their throats, an obvious distraction), but they are also sharp and so when you are waving them in the air (to catch maximum reflection from the sun and thus blind everyone in the vicinity) it is possible that they will cut you—this is made even more likely by the bazooka you should be carrying in your other hand and other wise hindering your motor operations. Make sure your friends know how to drive tanks, and it would probably be a good idea if one of them was a rhinoceros trainer.

Before committing to a job, be sure to know the target. Understanding the obstacles is the first step to overcoming them, and the most important in discovering your approach. If, for instance, you are planning to break into a house of a man who owns a flame thrower, do not do it. Such plans should be abandoned because, let's face it, getting torched isn't fun unless you are flame retardant. Similarly, trying to rob people who have a pet velociraptor is a very bad idea. Unless, that is, you are planning to steal said velociraptor.

Remember that debauchery is a very enlightening experience, but comes with dangers; be absolutely certain not to challenge anybody with dinosaurs or incendiary weapons. And always make sure you are well equipped to handle a rhinoceros.

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I accidentally submitted this in news as well. Kinda hoping that one gets deleted cuz that is not a good place for it.